THIS IS A POEM ABOUT DISAPPOINTING YOUR FATHER 3.12.17

you are old enough to know you are old enough not to feel the things you feel to feel you are better now than you ever were believe me    and yet i cannot wrap my brain around it but i can melt my brain into something liquid which takes its outer form and even these words that i write have no meaning anymore like the voice of some mechanical thing inside me that speaks with learned emotion only constructed emotions constructed by a person who once knew how to feel and wanted other machines to learn to feel for him so that he no longer had to do it himself    forgive me father for I have not sinned but I have let you down your name and image   and I hope that you will forgive the way ive folded up your worth like a map in my pocket which I will never refer to but instead be content with getting lost with in a multitude of ways that include internally that include being lost in the maze of other animals who breathe just like me and have eyes to see and have other senses and yet cannot make sense of things either    forgive me father for the way ive been not your son but the living image of the letdown of your son and the reflection of yourself you can’t bear to see and would rather shatter into pieces you could then cut yourself open with and drain yourself of the resentment and shame and hatred you feel toward god for giving you a thing like me    i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry    forgive me or don’t    forget that i am yours and move on into the shadow of your days and be content with resting and forgetting and growing weak and forgetful and leaving the world behind knowing it will not change when you leave just as it did not even blink when you arrived nothing changes this is true    forgive me father forgive me    for when you pass through the shadow of your days I will be the only thing remaining in your name holding your image and for this    forgive me

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