Dear God,

I suppose I should probably thank you for making me a living, sentient creature, if, in fact, it was you that made that possible. But before I talk to you about anything else I’d like to list for you things I am not thankful for, which, presumably, you also created.

1. Insects. Even as I write this a fly seems to have gone haywire and is bashing itself incessantly against the ceiling of my apartment, its wings making the shrill whine of malfunctioning hair clippers. Why are insects necessary? I mean, I know why, because of ecosystems and biospheres and probably the environment, etc., but to be fair you didn’t have to design nature that way. Insects, even you must admit, are repulsive. There is nothing redeeming about them and they only serve to torture and terrorize humans. They infiltrate our private spaces, regurgitate on our food, crawl into our mouths while we sleep, bite us, poison us, spread diseases and generally act as ultimate eyesores. Please get rid of them. And then adjust the natural system of the earth in whatever way you must to balance things out. If you choose to ignore this request it will be done regardless without your approval. There are, at this very moment, scientists in Brazil who’ve manufactured a genetically modified mosquito designed to mate with normal mosquitos and create sterile offspring. Experts estimate it will take less than three years to eliminate the entire mosquito population from the face of the earth. Rest assured, we will do the same with spiders, roaches, ants, flies, pincher bugs, June bugs, waterbugs, grasshoppers, crickets, dung beetles, centipedes, and so on.
2. Apathy. Why create machines as miraculous and spectacularly capable as humans, only to hamper them with apathy? Someone once said, “Apathy is a cold body.” I’m not sure what that means. But it calls out to some deeper part of me, and the deeper part of me howls back to it in recognition. I’m tired of being apathetic. Please erase the part of my brain that constantly tells me it’s okay not to achieve things now because they can always be achieved some other time, and please rewire the part of my brain that thinks ambition is the same as desire is the same as effort, and please reconfigure the human tendency to conflate emotional stability with intellectual betterment, and please eliminate the word “art” from my brain, and please rid me of my desire to mitigate my internal agony with food and chemicals.
3. Illness. You are a sick, disgusting, terrible, horrible, despicable, inexcusable, sociopathic, psychopathic, demented, unstable, and wretched being to have created illness. Rectify this decision. Redeem yourself as best you can.

That’s all for now. If these three errors are rectified the collective human experience will improve about a million-fold. Also, and ironically, my apathy has kicked in like some slow-release medication, and I feel it now taking over me. I need sleep. I need space and time dedicated to forgetting about you and your shitty decisions.

Feel free to reach out to me at any time. You know where I live. And I presume you have my cell.

Your lowly creation,

N.