On 3 June 2017 Rick Perry sets a whoopee cushion on Sean Spicer’s seat. They are in the Roosevelt room conducting a meeting about national security.
“North Korea’s ’bout to drop nukes on the world, how horses expel morsels of shit as they walk,” says General James Mattis. “Ungodly, without a care in the world.”
When Sean Spicer sits, one rips.
No one in the room laughs. Rick Perry is stone-faced. Sean Spicer turns a shade of red absent from the spectrum.
The President shakes with rage. “Sean,” he says. “Do you have something to share with us?”
“Yes,” Sean Spicer says. He clears his throat. “Rick Perry is a [homosexual slur]. He enjoys doing it with men. All you have to do is look at him. The frames of his glasses tell us everything.”
No one speaks or breathes or moves. The room’s grandfather clock sounds like thunder.
“What?” the President says. “What is wrong with you? First you fart. Then you explode with male-on-male sexual imagery. My god, what kind of Catholic are you?”
“I’m…I’m a good Catholic. I just, I was trying to be funny.” Spicer’s lips continue to move after he stops talking.
“Funny? My god, Sean. Here we have a homosexual,” the President says, pointing to Dr. Ben Carson, “and you’re openly disrespecting him in front of his peers?”
“I’m not a homosexual,” Dr. Carson says.
“You’re not funny,” the President says to Spicer. “You’re a national disgrace. General Jeff was—”
“Jim,” Mattis says.
“—was talking about nuclear death from China—”
“—and all you care about is funny. Well,” the President says. “You can just get out. Get the fuck out. And you don’t get lunch. No more lunch for the rest of the week. In fact, John?” The President calls his personal aide, John McEntee, who is always sitting close to him, nearly on his lap.
“Call Comerford down at the mess. Tell her Sean Michael Spicer has had his nutritional privileges revoked. Indefinitely.”
“On it, sir.”
Spicer is the only person in the room standing.
“Get out,” the President says.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” Spicer says. “I’m so sorry…I never meant…I didn’t think.”
The President hurls a yellow legal pad at Sean Spicer. It hits Sean Spicer on the brow.
“Okay, okay. Jesus.”
Sean Spicer leaves the room in silence, in shame. He sits outside the closed door and hears jovial laughter inside as Rick Perry tells a joke.
Dr. Ben Carson reiterates that he is not a homosexual.
Written at 11:34 at night, in my office, in Agoura Hills CA.