8.28.17

i’ve done all i can.

in my desperation to communicate

and i’ve managed nothing

but to further the urge for alcohol

and to miss you

.

i miss you as the chicken misses its egg

once the egg is nothing more than

fractured shell

.

i miss you like a mother misses

her first child, which was

the first to love her

as only a child can

the first to abandon her

as only a child can

.

i long for you as the hoarfrost longs

for sunshine’s kiss

.

or do these analogies fall apart?

.

what makes

an egg an egg?

is an egg not always shell?

except when it harbors life we change its name

.

what is motherhood but continual abandonment?

each step in the process she loses something;

first the fetus

then herself

then her lover

then the child

.

is hoarfrost not defined in name and material

by the cold?

.

it seems to me

we can define things

only by their

losses.

this life is a negative gain.

we accumulate

losses,

and though they are

losses

they are still accumulated

and they count for something

don’t they?

.

i’ve lost you, but

i’ve also lost myself, but

i’ve been losing you, but

i’ve also been blessed beyond

all measure to have at one

time called you

mine

.

to lose you is

to have had you

.

my loss of you is

my life’s greatest

privilege.

---

Written at 12:18 at night, in my office, in Agoura Hills CA.